Saturday, April 1, 2017

President Silvio Berlusconi: Make Italy Grate Again!


Rome, April 1st, 2017

In a surprise move, today, the Italian Parliament held a joint session of the Senate and the Chamber of Deputies in which the resignation of the current president of Italy, Sergio Mattarella was accepted. The parliament unanimously designated Mr. Silvio Berlusconi as the new President of Italy.

According to a member of the parliament, the general feeling was that there was no alternative to returning Mr. Berlusconi to a position of political power, since the Italian political system had been unable to produce anyone who could take his place after he resigned from the position of prime minister, in 2011. Asked about the former prime minister, Mr. Matteo Renzi, as a possible candidate, the MP declined to provide an assessment. Later on, he was observed puking on the floor of the parliament.

Mr. Berlusconi said that he would be implementing a completely new policy designed to "make Italy great again". While some commentators understood this as implying a strong support for the Italian cheese producers ("make Italy grate again"), Berlusconi himself explained his economic and political reforms in a press conference held today. The main points are:

1. Italian energy independence. The Sardinian coal mines will be re-opened. It is anticipated that these mines won't be able to provide sufficient coal to replace oil imports, therefore, in an initial transitional phase, coal will be imported from England to operate new steel plants and convert the Italian economy to a fully coal-based energy system. Renewable energy installations will be encouraged, but only indoor wind plants will be allowed in order to preserve a pristine landscape. New photovoltaic plants will be permitted only if able to demonstrate 24-hours constant output (no batteries allowed).

2. Italian mining supported. The new President aims at re-opening the Etruscan iron mines in Tuscany, as well as the sulfur mines in Sicily that were closed in the early 19th century. This is expected to boost employment, creating many jobs for young Italians as miners.

3. Boosting employment. The Italian University System will be reformed. No more funds will be allocated for climate and energy research. New mining schools will be established with the objective of creating a new generation of miners. At the same time, the diffusion of coal in the Italian energy system will create many jobs as chimney sweepers.

4. Domestic industries supported. In a restatement of some old policies, tariffs will be slapped on all imports. At the same time, imported goods will be replaced with Italian-made ones. The new President sees a return of CRT, black and white television sets operated by vacuum tubes. Electric cars will be forbidden in order to support the domestic car industry which will be encouraged to develop coal-powered vehicles.

5. The Alpine wall. The new President aims at building a wall along the Italian Alpine border with Germany in order to keep the Germans out, as well as other German-like hordes (Austrians, Swiss, and the like). He said about the Germans, "They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people."

6. Climate Change. The new Presidents stated that climate change is not a threat and, in any case, its origin is wholly natural. Nevertheless, plans are being devised in order to dismantle Venice and selling it to the Germans who will re-assemble it near Bonn. The income from the sale of Venice will be used to finance the Alpine wall. Also, an agreement with Perrier is being implemented in order to fight the desertification problem in Sicily.

7. The Eurolira. Italy will abandon the Euro and move to a new currency called the Eurolira. The new currency and the old one will be exchanged at a strict, government enforced, 1:1 rate. Banknotes and coins will continue to be issued by the European Central Bank and will still be marked as "Eur" even though when they circulate in Italy will be referred to as "liras".

8. Foreign policy. The new President strongly supports an assertive foreign policy for Italy. If Carthage will threaten Rome again, the Carthaginians will be swiftly punished by a new fleet of triremes armed with a secret weapon whose characteristics are not known at present, but that goes under the mysterious name of corvus.


13 comments:

  1. Very good. Made me think of the frost that damage the spaghetti crop in 1957. I saw this news report as a kid on black and white TV.
    http://hoaxes.org/archive/permalink/the_swiss_spaghetti_harvest

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  2. The Italian Parliament acted with undue haste. Did they not realize that there is an unemployed politician available who is beloved by people all over the world? He has a perfect track record as a Chameleon, with the priceless ability to promise Hope and Change to the masses while delivering precisely the policies his financial supporters paid for. An as an added bonus he is a seasoned commander of a Drone Fleet useful for eliminating his enemies all around the globe.

    I realize that choosing a party animal like Berlusconi is very much in the spirit of Italy, but drafting Obama as your President could have sealed the alliance with Goldman Sachs and brought lasting prosperity to the banking system. What a lost opportunity.

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  3. BungaBunga and the Pussygrabbers. Sounds like an L.A. punk rock band from the eighties. Would have definitely kicked the Sex Pistols off of lead billing in "The Decline of Western Civilization".

    Just imagine Donald Trump as Lee Ving on stage belting out "I Don't Care About You".

    Ugo, you made my day

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  4. Sigh. Have your fun. The amusement exists here, too, but it has a strong hysterical edge to it and is often punctuated by screaming and crying. Reading each day's headlines has become such a painful thing--the temptation to hide from it grows.

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  5. Funny! (and, as a citizen of the U.S., simultaneously sad) But I was expecting to find a story centered on the E-Cat..perhaps leading off with profuse apologies to Rossi for ever doubting him now that the U.S DOE, under the leadership of science and technology expert Rick Perry, has recognized the E-Cat as the one, true, solution for U.S. energy independence AND a simultaneous solution for the jobs lost by coal minors as they can now turn to Nickel mining (or something like that) :)

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    Replies
    1. A few years ago, I wrote a 1st of April post about Rossi's E-Cat. It is here http://cassandralegacy.blogspot.it/2012/04/breakthrough-in-free-energy-b-cat.html

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    2. Ha! Perfect - I don't know how I missed it :)

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  6. Laughter is the best medicine. This made me laugh out loud several places (much better than just chuckling). As an American, I keep up on Italian events, mostly because I have good friend who is Italian. I'll send this to her. Thanks.

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  7. Made it to item #5 before I caught on.

    You win the internets today!

    --Gaianne

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  8. I like the joke about English coal. Bring back the glory days! Do you have fantasy football in Italy? I am told it is quite popular here.

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  9. Ugo,

    I like your comic (1st of April) post.

    Greetings from Serbia from the long time believer of limits to growth.

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  10. With some minor tweaking it sounds like a pretty good program...long live Don SILVIONE CORLEONE and down with LA MOZZARELLA and LA MOSCERINA too.

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Who

Ugo Bardi is a member of the Club of Rome and the author of "Extracted: how the quest for mineral resources is plundering the Planet" (Chelsea Green 2014). His most recent book is "The Seneca Effect" to be published by Springer in mid 2017